beryl_butterfly

So I realized last night, hmm maybe it was early this morning that I have not updated in like two weeks, maybe longer. Well definitely longer since something that I have not privated or locked. 

So yah, an update is needed.  I am in Arizona now; thankfully in Tucson not stuck in that nasty trailer that smells of cat pee in the middle on nowhere with no internet.  LOL we were there for like three weeks I think.  That sucked!  I found out while we were there though that if I sat on the back porch most of the time I could steal a neighbors unlocked wifi.  SWEET.  So yah, I slept on the back porch everynight under the stars stealing wifi so I could hear my love sleeping across the ocean.  It worked out really cool that she had a school term break at the same time I was there so we could litterally talk almost all day and all night!

I went out and collected like 30 job applications the first week and then my sister decided that she needed me to stay home for a while to watch the kids till she could get daycare for them.  So I got to be a bum for like a month and a half.  I have a job now and it is super cool.  My sister and mom's friend actually got it for me.  I practically had the job before they even interviewed me because of how awesome she made me sound. So any way, I am working in a state licensed group home for handicapped adults.  We had four residents when I started but now we have five.  One is completely deaf and has pretty severe mental retardation so he speaks in modified sign and another has severe speach problems and uses sign for her primary language.  I got the job because I am fluent in sign and modified sign and because of me being raised helping my brother and sister.  They thought my "life experience" counted toward education.  HA!  Coolness.

Speaking of education...  I did not have to re enroll in high school again here.  Kissing the feet of the people at Pensacola Christian Academy... because I had enough credits to graduate at the end of my junior year they are mailing me a diploma.  LOL they still wanted my transcripts from Perry Hall though, and they want my final grades from the online college courses I am taking.  No big.  Everything worked out well with the online courses too.  They gave me antyime student status, which has been great cosidering I would have failed otherwise.  LOL three weeks without access to a computer with a big enough screen to actually see the lecture and work on would have killed my grades.  I am a bit nervous for final grades to be posted!  I wrote my final essay in English Comp on a subject that I am sure they don't get a lot of papers on at a conservative christian college, and from a view point that I am possitive they don't see often.  I hope the teacher grades of work not oppinion.  :P   My final Psych paper was fun.  It was a bit of a pain in the ass, but I finally finished it at 48 pages long.  Holy crap, that's a lot of talking out my ass about something I have no clue about.

Well, I am accepted to the UofA and I will have like 65% tuition covered through the thing the state is doing for me.  Cool, but I have to figure out how to pay for the rest.  My job will help with most of it, but I am still going to have to find a couple scholarships or get student loans for some of it.  That sucks cuz if we had stayed in MD I would not have to pay for much of anything.  Oh wells.

So the 8 hour time difference between Lauren and I is not as bad as I thought it was going to be.  It still sucks but I get to talk to her for several hours a day which is good because I feel like I can't breathe if there is too long a time between when we can talk.  I can't wait till I can get over there and actually be with her.  Once she is in my arms I am never letting go!  Why does time have to take so damn long to go by!?!?  We are still doing great.  She is my everything.  LOL my psychologist from Baltimore made a note in my file that I am in a "potentially dangerous" relationship.  LMFAO!  Stupid People!

So I have made a good group of friends since I have moved here.  It's the first time in my life I have ever had any gay friends, which is so fucking awesome.  It's cool to be able to hang out with people and be who you really are and not have anyone acting like a stupid moron because of it.   My first weekend here there was an art convention thing that I went to and met two great girls who have been together for like three years.  They were my first friends here, but they have introduced me to all thier friends, and I've only met one person who I hope I never have to meet again.  LOL

Oh and I am out to my sister now.  I thought she would be pissed but she actually wasn't.  LOL she freaked me out though.  She told me her first kiss was at nine and it was like full on making out.  WITH A GIRL!  I could not believe that, my sister, the bible loving, perfect wife and mom---- GOT HEAVY WITH  A GIRL AT NINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh that is just toooo funny!  Oh and to top it off, she also told me that the girl was my moms 'roommates' daughter.  She seriously thinks my mom and her roommate were much more than they claimed.  I mean hello two women sharing a bed for 2 years... HMMMMMMMM!   I think my mom may not be too surprised when I come out all the way either.  <laughs loudly>

So Yah, guess that's the news for now...

talk wit ya all later.

My friend is such a bad influence... Hee heee heee, I'm drunk.... this is fun..... I feel like I have butterflies flying around in my fricking head.  It is sooo funny.  Hee hee hee.  I wish I  weren't stuck at home, but  I know then I would have to drive.  LOL really not a good idea right now so I will stare at the walls and listen to my also very drunk friend laughing on the other end of the lin e.   LOL what is funny is that neither of us normally drink. She said she had a little mint liquor in her milk at night.  LOL that made me remmember the cocunut rum int he cupboard... hee hee hee fun.... so ran to the store for some orange juice and helped myself.  hmmm. very very funny listening to my very shy friend swear repeatedly!   she never cusses.... oh so very fun... LOL. and yah I don't htink my brain is suppose dto feel this way.   LOL,  Yah I am also yyping this to see what it looks like in the moring.  to see how actually messed up I got... LOL so lets call this a social experiment...  brain + alcohol probably= not so good.  but oh wells...okaie dokie, ready to fall asleep now....

so hey Kah, thanks for a fun night....  LOL

Okay so I have been told that posting about my thoughts on my sister do not count as actually posting. *sticks tongue out*

So what is going on with me....

I found out yesterday we will be moving on Friday March 13.  We are going to be driving from Maryland to Arizona.  Oh how fun!  I will be riding in the van with my sister and her three kids.  Oh the joy!  I am going to bring my Ipod, ear plugs, and lots of Tylenol!  I also found out our brother is flying in from Tucson to help us with the drive, as well as my sister's bio dad is coming up from Georgia as well to help Andrew drive the moving van so we can make the drive a lot faster.  This makes me happy cuz I would rather sleep in the car the entire time than have to take four days to make the drive! 

So yesterday I got my room all packed up.  All I have left to do is pack my clothes but I am going to wait till they are all clean.  LOL ;o) packing stinky clothes = not good.  I tried to contact the school in Florida that my mom did my homeschooling through to see if I can just get my diploma through them since I technically had enough credits to graduate before I even moved here.  I enrolled in high school because I thought it would be fun to be like everyone else for at least one year and find out what high school was like.  *Laughing hysterically*  Hmmm, maybe I should have asked people instead.  Any way I am hoping I don't have to re enroll in Tucson.  It would suck having to be the new kid with only two months left of senior year.  I'd rather just be done.  I am also going to be having to get a job as quick as I can once we are out there.  Whichever there, it ends up being.  I really hope we can move right into my sister's house but I think the renter may not want to move yet, till her lease is over.  That will mean we are stuck living in her friend's trailer way out in the middle of NOWHERE.  Anyway this middle of nowhere is called Avra Valley Arizona...  google it... not fun!   I thoughts hicksville only existed in the midwest, guess not.  LOL  So if we have to live there we will be there till like June or July.  And yah, I am so not going to Marana High School.  My sister was telling me about it this morning.  She graduated from there and she says that guys actually would take off their boots or cowboy hats and spit their chew in it!!!!!!!!!   OMG, I think the dna strands of some people must be reverting instead of evolving because surely human beings (homosapiens) would never never do something as backward and disgusting as that!  They must have reverted to neanderthals!   Please Please Please begging all that is good do not make me go there!

I am also waiting to hear back from the case worker who has been monitoring my child welfare case since before I was adopted to find out what a program she sent me a letter about actually does.  I know  it is a partial scholarship thing to the University of Arizona which I have found out has one of the best nursing programs in America.  Yeah me!  So now I just have to get it all figured out.  I sent in my application yesterday, *crossing fingers*  

My laptop is going to have to be left behind since technically it does not belong to me but to the dipshit soon to be exhusband of my sister.  So I have been looking for another one.  I found a really really cute one that I want, I am going to try to convince my mom to help me pay for like half of it since she is actually being nice to me right now.  Who knows its worth a try right.  I have a meeting with the head of distance learning at the college I am taking my internet courses through this semester to let them know I am moving all the freaking way across the country so they know I will not be able to do the supervised tests and hopefully they will be able to clear me for "anytime" classes instead of having to log on at specific times, which would suck considering the class times are east coast time and I am going to be on west coast time three flipping hours behind!

I guess there is one cool thing though.  It was snowing here the other day and I looked up the weather there...  It was 94F which for those of you on Celcius is like 34.444444444C   Yeah, I hate the cold!  It also said that the sun shines like 340 days a year.  YEAH, I love the sun!  And there are swimming pools EVERYWHERE!  Yeah!  So yah, I am looking really hard trying to find the good things about this.  Trying really really really really hard to ignore the fact that there will now be an 8 hour time difference between me and my girlfriend half the year and 7the other half of the year!  Stupid time grid, wish we were moving east instead of west, crossing the ocean would have been brilliant.  I am also now going to be five hours behind another very good friend.  Stinks.

So yah, that is life for now...

*smiles and hugs*

Shattered shards
Scattered savagely
Strangely symbolic

Aggravating aches
Angered accusations
Abrupt action

Wicked words
wasted worries
wilting wonder

Tainted thoughts
torn, tattered
terminating together

Bells blasted
Body bruised
Bloody broken

Okay so yah this isn't about me for a change.  This one is all about my sister and what she is going through right now.  I wish I could ease her pain but I know I can't.

If I were bigger there is a certain jackass who would need to be running very quickly.  And considering I can run a half marathon pretty easily he had better run far too.  One thing I can not stand is when people hurt the people I love.  Today my sister was hurt as badly as I could ever imagine being hurt.  This asshole tore her heart out of her chest and stomped it to the ground lit a match threw it on it  watching it burn then picked up the little pieces handing them back to her and told her the last 12 years were nothing to him, and he would rather go get fucked by a prostitute.

Um yah, so that's my version of the story anyway.  My sister has been crying all day.  I feel like shit because I can not do a damn thing to make her feel better.  Their kids have been crying all day because they don't know what is going on and they are being told they have to move all the way across the country again.  I'm freaking out because now I have to move all the way across the country too, taking me even further from the one I love.  Making things so incredibly harder for us.  I also have to figure out a way to either graduate early or I am going to have to register myself in another high school when we get there and I really don't want to go through all of that again.  I am going to have to get a job to help out my sister and to save for my future, which I refuse to give up on because of this crap.  I will still make my future happen exactly the way I want it to.  It WILL happen.  I also have to tell the people at University of Maryland that "thanks but no thanks I will not be taking that nearly full ride academic scholarship I begged and pleaded for, that I cried at night worrying I would not get."   I have to find and contact some mystery case worker from Child Protective Services that has been 'taking care of my case' for the last 17 years or so.  I have to find out exactly what they will be doing to help me with the whole college thing, what the program they said I qualify for is....  I also now have to apply to a new college crossing my fingers that I am not past the cut off date.  Moving once again to a place where I know no one, and where no one knows me, in a place I have not lived since I was really little.  Going back to where I was born.  I don't want to go, but I know my sister needs me. I can't turn my back on her.

So yah, I am ranting, and I am venting, and honestly I am very depressed, and very worried.  I am scared of the changes.  I scared of going somewhere new.  I'm scared of what this is doing to my sister.  I'm scared of what this is going to do to my neices and nephew. 

I'm just wishing I could close my eyes and make this all go away.

Yah done I guess.  My brain is just so full of everything I need to do and all the things that could go wrong.  I just needed to get a little of it out.

It was dark,
you shone a light.

It was silent,
you called my name.

I was scared,
you calmed my fears.

I screamed,
you screamed with me.

I cried,
you wiped my tears.

I laughed,
you giggled.

I shook with grief,
you held me tight.

I loved,
you loved me back.

I hoped,
you shared my dream.

I confessed,
you listened.

I trusted,
you cared.

I held you,
you never let go.

Thank you.

There are so many people who come in and out of our lives.  Some bring joy and some bring pain. But sometimes we get lucky and we find true friends.  I have been thinking a lot lately about what a true friend is and I just wanted to write a little about mine.  They are the reason I am still here; they are the reason I will continue on, living the best life I can.  Wanting to make them proud to call me their friend.

Some stay for a short while, there when we need them and then fading into the background only to come back again when called.  True friends even though they are not always there.  For them I will always be thankful.  Liz and Michelle, you picked me up when I could not stand, you loved me when no one else did; you sheltered me not only from others but from myself.  I will forever love you; I will never forget you.

Some friends you find when you are not looking for them.  They are gifts left at your feet by the goodness that hides behind the dark in this world.  They come charging into your life uninvited but so very welcome.  They bring smiles,and light.  They teach you to laugh and blush.  They give you their strength when you have none and prove their loyalty when tested.  Kah, Sye, Nate, Tanisha, Kelly, and Stefanie  you guys are the best.  You make me smile every day.  You make me laugh and forget for a while that not everything is perfect, because with friends like you I can't focus for long on the sad, I can only focus on the happiness you bring me.

Then for those of us who are so very lucky there is the one.  The one person made to fit your soul; your second half.  The person who comes into your life making you whole when did not realize yet that you were incomplete.  They love you for who you are, your faults, your talents, your heart, your soul, your mind.  They love that you are weak because that means you need them.  They love that you are strong because they know they can lean on you when they need to.  They take your hand never letting go, they stand beside you, with you, through all the good, they hold you through all the bad.  They wake you up when you scream in the night and hold you tight till you stop crying.  They are happy for you when you are happy, they love you with all they have and they stay with you through everything.  They are the thoughts when your brain is silent.  They are the peace when the world collapses around you.  They are your laughter, they are your sun, they are your everything.  You are my one Lauren, now and forever more.  I love you.

Time beside,
passing  swiftly,
moving slow.
Flying by ,
but creeping past.

My wishes
my desires
all linked in time.
Not transending
having to bide.

Things to do,
things to learn
need to grow.
Wounds to heal,
my heart to know.

The past to let go
the future to insure.
my love will wait
this I know.
While we wait our love will grow.

She waits there
as I stay here
our hearts intermingled in between
bobbing on the ocean waves
loving.

My heart beating for her
hers for me
together in time
separated by miles
but never apart

My angel
my love
my life
my all
mine

 do you like the town you are livin​g in?
ehh, it is big and loud.  I miss the quiet of the farm.  I like being able to go places and be absolutely alone.


What were you doing​ at 1 AM this morni​ng?​
lying completely boneless in bed with a goofy grin on my face

What does your last text messa​ge in your inbox​ say?
  I'll most likely still be on the computer when you get home so just poke me a bit. Poor you standing outside in the snow. I love you my girl, always.

What'​s the last thing​ you ate?
fresh made popcorn right now.

What is the weath​er like today​?​
sunny but bloody cold

How late did you stay up last night​?​
1:30 am ish


Want a tatto​o?​
got one... want another but i am waiting three and a bit years more.

Just how many peopl​e do you have a thing​ for right​ now?
One, and only one now and forever


Who was the last perso​n you misse​d a call from?​
I have no clue, I didn't know the number.

Day been rough​ ?
nope, I am well rested and very very happy

When you say you don'​t care,​ do you mean it?
normally


Do you think​ a lot of peopl​e think​ bad thing​s about​ you?
yah, which sucks but oh wells


What'​ s somet​hing that bothe​rs you about​ girls​ ?
gossiping

Is somet​hing bothe​ring you right​ now?
LOL yes, gossiping girls

Would​ you go back in time to chang​e somet​hing?​
yes, I don't know how far back I would go though, if I changed the very first thing maybe I would not have to change anything else.

What are you excit​ed for?
Finishing high school, finishing my bachelors and starting my masters.  The summer after my bachelors is going to be the best of my life.

What did you do for Hallo​ween?​
Nothing, handed out candy to short peoples
​

How is your relat​ionsh​ip with your mothe​r?​
My mother is The Megabitch.

Do you alway​s answe​r your phone​ ?
ehh, no


Could​ you go out in publi​c looki​ng like you do now?
uhh NOOOOO!  Still need to get dressed.

What are you liste​ning to?
my girlfriend's voice and Don't Let go.. Olivia Broadfield


Are you happy​ ?
ecstatic


Are girls​ too drama​tic?​
ehh, yah some of them.

When was the last time you pulle​d an all night​er?​
Thursday

Do you live on your own?
I wish I could

Are you feeli​ng uneas​y about​ anyth​ing?​
nope


Whose​ car/ truck​ were you in last?​
My sister's

Do you feel like there​'​s somet​hing missi​ng in your life?​
no just further away than I would like.


Is there​ somet​hing you plan on accom​plish​ing after​ doing​ this?​
ehh, not really, lazy days are the best!  Thanks the dead presidents

Is your room usual​ly clean​ or messy​?​
clean

What pisse​s you off a whole​ lot?
prejudice


Do you think​ high schoo​l is a waste​ of time?​
um, yah pretty much



Who is someo​ne who can alway​s make you smile​?​​​​​
My Lauren


What were you doing​ an hour ago?
exactly what I am doing now, sitting in bed with my laptop on my lap and talking with my girlfriend

when was the last time you cried?
Wednesday, thanks to a really really crappy nightmare.

Do you plan on movin​g withi​n the next year?​​​​​
no, I think I need to stay where I am for a while



What are you looki​ng forwa​rd to in the next 3 month​s?​​​​​
spring break, girlfriend's birthday, my brother's new baby

Do you remem​ber your dream​s?​​​​​
yah most of the time.



What cell phone​ compa​ny do you use?
Verizon



What is the last movie​ you watch​ed?​​​​​
Howl's Moving Castle


Do you have your futur​e child​ren'​​​​​s names​ picke​d out?
not sure I want to have children or not yet



Do you have to drive​ over a bridg​e to get home?​​​​​
depends on where I am coming from



Who was your Kinde​rgard​en teach​er?​​​​​
my mom


Are you talle​r then your mom?
no, I am taller than no one... LOL

do you know anyone that is pregnant?
yes, my sister in law.

Do you play games​ on your cell phone​?​​​​​
no but on my ipod

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
neither, don't know what they looked like.  LOL

If someo​ne doesn​t like you its proba​bly becau​se:​​​​​
They think I am a snob because I don't talk to people.  I am too shy.


What are your plans​ for this weeke​nd?​​​​​
Talking with my girlfriend as much as possible, celebrating my nephew's birthday

When was your last encou​nter with the polic​e?​​​​​
Tuesday, I had to file a report against a girl who attacked me at school.

So yah, why is it that we are so pre-programmed to feel guilty for everything we do.  It's amazing how easily people can make me feel guilty.  It's kind of sad how with the simple words from someone who knows nothing of me how I can be made to feel guilty about the most important thing in my life.  I wish I had more strength sometimes.  I wish I could just let people say whatever they want and not even think about it after it is said.  No, I can't.  I have to let those words said out of hatefulness or spite sit and linger in my mind till I question their validity.  Letting my mind grow unsure of the choices I have made.  Making me become that weak little girl who just goes along with whatever someone else tells me to do.  I won't do that anymore, I will not let my life be directed by someone else because they don't like the choices I make.  It is my life and I will be the one deciding where it will go.  I will follow my heart no matter what other people might say or think about it.  I know what I want for my life now, and I will do whatever I have to do to make it happen.

I guess my little rant on perceptions goes right along with my rant on guilt.  Why do people make wicked and totally off the wall assumptions about people just because they are different.  Often forgetting that in making certain assumptions about one person they are making them about others as well.  Some of which may be the same very people they are trying to "protect" with their hurtful words and assumptions.  So for anyone who may be confused by some of these general assumptions here's my rant list of the day......   Feel free to comment all you want.... I am feeling the need to practice being hard skinned.  I have a feeling it may be a very helpful trait to have.

a) homosexuals are perverts   Hmm, no I am proud to say actually I am a virgin, I wonder how many other 18 year olds can say that.
b) lesbians are attracted to every other female on the planet   Hmmm, no I have only ever been attracted to one person, and it was her mind that I fell in love with first, before I ever even saw her face.
c)people who meet other people online are depraved and only wanting sex    Uh, yah there are a lot of people like that out there  but  not everyone.
d) homosexuals don't really know how to love     Uhhh yah that is just full of shit.
e) homosexuals are a risk to children     Um no, no more than hetrosexuals if you look at the numbers it is actually predominately  hetrosexual males who commit hideous crimes against children.

Well, I am sure most of anyone who might read this has their own opinions.  Some of you may agree with the first parts of these comments and some hopefully will be shaking their heads saying how could anyone think that way.  I just wanted to say what is going through my mind again and again today....

People are People
Love is Love
Hate is Hate
Be careful what you let fill your heart because it will shape the very person you are and will decide your life for you.

So yah, I promise not every entry will be a rant but, a lot of crap is going on right now.  A lot of people are not happy with who I am,and are just now having to face the truth of it.  I am still the same girl I was three months ago, the only difference is that now they know my heart.  How can a love filled heart make such a hugely negative difference? 

Okay, shutting up now.  <blushes> sorry.

In my arms,
that's where she should be.
In my arms,
singing to me.

In my heart,
is where she will stay.
In my heart,
every minute of the day.

On my mind,
she never leaves.
On my mind,
stay with me please.

Miles apart
the ocean roars.
But hearing her voice
my heart soars.

My love and my life,
she makes everything right.
My angel and my hero
turning my darkness to light.

So I put it back up because you asked me to.  Even if you did tell me it was totally cheesy. <pouts>  I love you baby.  Happy Vallentine's Day.

Today went okay.  I was more than a little afraid of going to school today.  My face is still pretty damn bad from being slammed into the locker the other day.  I was also worried about what would be said or done if it came out that I had actually filed a police report against Lauren (from here on known as The Bitch).  All my fears were kind of pointless today though.  The bitch and her friends were not in class today.  Everyone who was there on Monday were shocked to see my face.  No one was willing to say anything about seeing it happen though.  I talked to the gym coach about not using the lockerroom anymore and she said that was not a 'workable option'.  So I am still stuck going in and changing with everyone.  I asked about changing sections, and using a different area of the locker room so that I would not have to be in the same little cube area as The Bitch, but Ms. Meredith isn't sure about that either.  So yah still planning on going to school again tomorrow.  Maybe the bitch crew will skip zero hour again and I won't have to worry about it for another day.  Sye and Nate were cool again.  They waited for me outside of the girls lockerroom door and actually walked with me to class.  Sye offered his little sister to beat the crap out of her for me.  LOL.  His little sister looks like she could bench press me!  I think I will pass though.  It is really cool though that Sye and Nate are being so protective of me though.  There were some stupid people saying crap in the hallways but when Sye put his arm around my shoulders while we walked everyone shut up. I know it is kind of wierd to say this but it felt nice.  It was kind of like having one of my big brothers there with me.

Health was ... fun...   All of the stupid little sophomores were laughing and giggling.  Lots of stupid little airplane notes flew around the classroom.  Yah always lots of fun to be the center of everyone's attention.  Um, yah, just a little sarcasm there.  Senior Smelly Von Drools Alot, who sits behind me made the oh so ingenious comment of "Does your face hurt... cuz it's hurting me to look at you."  Oh laughing, the originality of it, he just kills me really.  Yah asshole my face does hurt actually thanks.  LOL last week he was trying to get me to look at him in anyway possible, like that would ever happen, and now he is acting like I am somehow beneath him.  The guy is such an idiot.  After class it went pretty good.  LOL, the exit door to the parking lot is just at the end of the corridor, not much can happen in that distance. <laughs>  I got in my Car and blared the music squeeling my tires as I pulled out of the parking lot.  Gotta love loud music.  Always makes me feel better.  I went for a drive towards Pensylvania for a little while before I had to get home for my German class.  Speed always makes things better.  XD

Now I get to spend my afternoon doing my favorite thing.  Everything is always better when talking with my best friend.

white walls
scattered clothing
a small girl cowers
blood on her lip
tears in her eyes
no screaming
quiet
tv on in the background
the sound of laughter from another room
people gather
but no one cares
no one comes to see
"quiet little mouse,
If you Squeal you die.
Come here
don't be rude,
you know I'm not going to hurt you"
tears streaming
small hands shake
my knees tremble in fear
shaking my head no
backing into the corner
trying to hide
big hands grabbing
hurting
"Be a good little girl you stupid little mouse"
pain across my face
blackness behind my eyes
dizzy
pressed into the floor
heavy weights upon my chest
can't breathe
can't yell
"You stupid stupid little girl."
closing my eyes
I try to go away
no where
I'm no where he's not here
fire burns inside me
scalding me
his body still holding mine down
his hands ripping me
grunts
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
nothingness surrounds me
my heart gone
tears a flood
my voice absent
my body shakes
my body screams
blood coats my face and legs
but my mind doesn't know
I'm gone
I'm black
I'm nothing
I can disappear


so little.why?  Why didn't anyone give a damn.  Why didn't anyone stop him.  I can't watch this happen again.  I can't close my eyes.
help me.

Into the silence I walk,
I creep slowly upon my toes,
Quietly making my way forward,
Toward a future so still.

Surrounded in fog,
A misty curtain,
Disguising my path,
My feet stumble.

Unsure of where to go,
I call into the mist,
An echo of my voice,
Resounds hollowly.

Onward I press,
Looking warily around,
Cautiousness in every step,
But onward none the less.

I know where I am going,
I have seen the goal,
Though the fog conceals,
My feet follow the hidden path.

I will not stray,
Nor be dissuaded.
My future awaits,
I will go.

Rumors and lies, why the hell do people feel the need to spread them.  Right now it seems my  world is made up of one or the other.  I have to lie to my family, cuz they are not ready to hear the truth.  The truth could literally kill my dad.  My mom would never speak to me again.  Which could be a very good thing.  I have to lie to the people at school, if I did decide to tell the truth there I could very easily find myself beaten by ignorant people who really never stopped to think about the fact that I am not so different from them.   I still laugh, I still cry, I still love.  I just do so for different reasons than they do.


I even have to lie about my past to the one person who is supposed to be told everything, hell she gets paid to listen to me ramble.  Well she gets paid to poke me and make me talk, would be the better wording for that.  I can't even tell her everything because if I did she would by law have to call and report people which would not be good for my brother and sister.  I am just so sick of the lies.  I am sick of lying about why I am the way I am, I am sick of lying about my scars to stupid people who would never understand any way.  I am tired of putting on a happy face when really a lot of the time I would rather just cry.  I am tired of being perfect.  The perfect student, the perfect sister, the perfect aunt, the perfect everything.  I really am not people!  You don't know what you are doing to me when you expect me to be a person I will probably never be.  I will never be perfect.  I will never be healed.  I can never just put everything that has happened in my life in some nice little cardboard box and seal it with packing tape and say  "Okay, life is done.  Now that can be mailed off and I can be whole now."   I can be better though; I have learned that over the last two months.  I can love and I can be loved.  Maybe that will be enough, given enough time the wounds may scab over and leave nothing but scars behind instead of the bloody mess I still deal with everytime this woman makes me open doors I wish I could just board over nail shut, wrap in chains and forget even exist.  I can never go back to who I may have been if the world had not been so crap.  I have no idea who that person would be.  I am who my past has made me and now I just have to figure out first who the hell that person is, and secondly how to make being me the best I can.  I need to figure out how I can get through each night without waking everyone around me up with my screaming.  How I can sleep for more than two or three hours and not wake up with a headache from crying in my sleep.  How I can make myself to speak to people when my tongue glues itself to the roof of my mouth in fear when more than two people are around.  How can I trust that the people I let in will not cut me as deeply as the people who I let in before did.  How can I be around people when all I really want is to be left alone so I don't have to pretend to be someone I am not.  Why is it that the only person I could do this with  and the only person who has been able to get inside my walls; the only person who I have let see the real me ever is so damn far away.  The person who is slowly helping me smile again.  The person who does love me no matter how shitty I may be, no matter how screwed up I may still be, no matter that yes I do still wake up screaming almost every night and sometimes I just want to curl up in the darkest corner of my closet and rock for hours pretending the world does not exist.  The person who would understand when I said sometimes I wish I could bleed again.  Just to see it forming to see that yah somewhere within me there is a heart that does pump.  There is something more than just the pain that still lingers and sometimes is so damn crippling I can barely stand.  The person who would understand how a razor cutting through you skin can actually feel good, how it can make the pain go away for a little while, or at least it can give me something else to focus on instead.  Yah, this is it, the ugly truth spewed out into the vast of space to be lost along with the mindless chatter of millions of other people.  Thrown out for the winds to carry away never to be found by anyone who wouldn't want to know what lies inside this 'pretty little head', the people who do not want to see more than an IQ or a GPA.  The people who want to hear yes mam I am loving life right now, every thing is just wonderful, no they will never hear this.  They wouldn't know what to think if they did.  The truth is something they can never see.  I hide well, I hide behind a small smile and a quiet laugh.  I hide behind a bashful facade and an easy blush.  I hide behind soft words and shy glances.  Yes I am shy, that is not a lie, but no one bothers to look past the silence.  No one ever wonders why I answer in one or two word replies.  No one ever questions me about what I may be thinking, and if they do they don't really want to hear the truth.  The truth is ugly, the truth is a bloody mess, the truth is sad, the truth is scary,

Rumors, well yah rumors just suck.  They are hateful and cruel and they show that the people you thought you could trust really don't care and will stab you in the back as soon as they can.  It does not matter how much you have fought for them.  It does not matter how many times you have stood up for them even when you knew they were wrong.  You know I should have known, I've seen her spread rumors about other people before and she sat there and laughed when she saw them crying.  I should have known it would be my turn someday.  I just thought I was more important to her than that.  HMMM another lie I guess.  This time one I have told myself.  I am finding out though becauseof this who the people are that I think I might be able to trust at least a little.  I don't need many friends but it really sucks to walk through the hallways at school and have people glaring at you and talking about you laughing.  This week I have been spat on, cursed at, had paper balls thrown at me, and had my locker covered with shitty words in pernament marker.  All thanks to a "friend", who because she was no longer the person I spent all my time with decided to tell the entire school my biggest secret.   One only she knew.  yah Rumors suck.

So yah, if your reading this thinking I don't know how to write worth shit, oh well. This isn't about writing at this moment.  These things have been crowding my brain so bad for the last, well it feels like forever.  So run on sentences, spelling, paragraphs I really don't give a crap right now.  I just needed to purge myself mentally.  So yah if you're thinking I'm Emo or whatever fine.  Yah this was written just cuz I started writing and it is what came out, so oh well.

Well this should be an interesting experiment.  We shall see how often I actually post in here. <laughs>  I have been keeping the same journal for almost a year now and it has a grand total of, count them, SIX entries.  I have a feeling since this is on the computer though that I will be writing more here as my fingers move so much faster on the keyboard than they do with ink and paper.  They don't cramp up as much either.

So any way.  I am sitting here absolutely silent while my beautiful girlfriend sits on the other side of a gmail voice chat listening to my silence and wishing I would quit being absorbed in this entry and start talking to her again.  So I think I should probably do that before she starts making more annoying loud noises in my ear or yelling "football" down the line.